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    Danny And Bang Bang ( Part 6: The Pub)


    ACT 2
    SCENE1

    O’Shea’s pub. A small traditional looking Irish snug. Bottles of spirits and glasses adorn the wall behind the bar. The counter is small, with room for only a few to sit. Behind the counter is Kevin O’Shea the bars owner. Sitting out front are Danny and Bang-Bang. Danny with a coke and some crisps. Bang-Bang with a small whiskey. Pajo sits at a large table out front reading the paper with a half a pint of stout in front of him. The rest of the bar is empty expect for a scattering of old chairs and tables. Sawdust covers the floor.

    DANNY
    We’re only staying for one or two now remember. You say goodbye to Pajo and Annie and that rest and off we go. The boat leaves at eleven.

    BANG-BANG
    I remember. Stop on to me.

    KEVIN
    This is a terrible turnout for a Friday night. Who’s idea was a monopoly night?

    BANG-BANG
    Pajo’s. Have you not learned at this stage not to take advice from that fella.

    KEVIN
    Well it’s the last time I listen to him I tell ya that. (Shouting) Ya hear that Pajo. This is the last time I listen to you.

    PAJO
    What’s that?

    KEVIN
    I said this is the last time I listen to you.

    PAJO
    Pint of stout, thanks Kevin.

    KEVIN
    It’s a kick in the hole I’d give him if he didn’t have that woman to protect him.

    BANG-BANG
    You’re not afraid of a woman are you.

    KEVIN
    I’m not afraid of a woman. I’m afraid of his woman. You should see her in a mood Bang-Bang. It’s frightening.

    BANG-BANG
    Ah she’s not that bad.

    KEVIN
    She was in here last Friday up on the tables dancing around in her undies. Scared off all my customers so she did.

    BANG-BANG
    What customers?

    KEVIN
    Well. She scared me anyway. (Pause) I haven’t slept right for a week.

    BANG-BANG
    Having dreams about her were ya?

    KEVIN
    Nightmares!

    BANG-BANG
    Ah harden up will you. It can’t have been that bad.

    KEVIN
    I’m telling ya. There was so much flesh on display I was worried she might get harpooned.

    BANG-BANG
    Ah well, could be worse. You could be Pajo, having to wake up to her every morning.
    (Both bless themselves.)

    KEVIN
    He will get his reward in the next life please God. (Pause) Tell me. Did you hear the rumours?

    BANG-BANG
    The old (makes stabbing gesture and noise from “Psycho”) rumours.

    KEVIN
    What the hell is that?
    (Repeats Bang-Bangs “Psycho” gesture) .

    BANG-BANG
    Have you never seen Psycho?

    KEVIN
    No.

    BANG-BANG
    You’ve really never seen Psycho?

    KEVIN
    No. What’s it about?

    BANG-BANG
    A guy dresses up in his dead mothers clothes and stabs a woman in a bath.

    (Kevin think on it a moment)

    KEVIN
    I don’t think Pajo would fit into his mothers clothes.

    BANG-BANG
    No not him. Her!

    KEVIN
    Oh she definitely wouldn’t fit into his mother clothes, the size of her. She’d barely get a boob in and the other one would be falling out.

    BANG-BANG
    No. You’re missing the point.

    KEVN
    I’m not the one talking about dressing up in Pajo’s dead mammies knickers.

    BANG-BANG
    (Shouting) Nobody is talking about Pajo’s mammies knickers.

    PAJO
    You cant keep anything quiet can you! I told you already, I only had them on because all of mine were in the wash.
    (All men stare at each other in stunned silence. Bang-Bang turns back to Kevin)

    BANG-BANG
    So do you think she killed him?

    KEVIN
    I’m not sure what to think anymore.

    BANG-BANG
    Pajo assured me it’s all just gossip. No truth in it at all.

    KEVIN
    Yeah but do you think she did it?

    BANG-BANG
    Of course she did it. Sure, the nun saw her chasing him round the field with an axe. What more do you want?

    KEVIN
    You don’t believe those auld nuns do you?

    BANG-BANG
    Well no, and neither did the local sergeant apparently.

    KEVIN
    Well I heard that there was a huge life assurance policy taken out on him only a couple months before he was murdered.

    BANG-BANG
    Hold on now. The guards said it was an accident.

    KEVIN
    Okay. When he fell on top of an axe (Beat) ‘accidentally’ and got himself murdered.

    BANG-BANG
    Come to think of it, Pajo was over earlier and he mentioned that the whole wedding was paid for by the assurance money.

    KEVIN
    And there was an awful lot of chicken vol-au-vents. Sure you’re only asking for trouble.

    BANG-BANG
    I don’t think Pajo has put it together yet though. Poor gullible git.

    KEVIN
    Sure he was probably in on it too.

    BANG-BANG
    Hold on now. Pajo may be a lot of things. But he wouldn’t go along with something like that.

    KEVIN
    Well it’s no secret that he was knocking off Mary long before the husband died.

    BANG-BANG
    How did you know about that?

    KEVIN
    Sure everyone knows. They didn’t make much of an effort to hide it.

    BANG-BANG
    Well that doesn’t prove anything. I’ll hear no more about it. (Pause) Here. Have you seen Annie about at all?

    KEVIN
    You’re not still cracking on to that one are ya? Sure her husbands only in the ground five minutes.

    BANG-BANG
    I’m just there to comfort her in her hour of need, a shoulder to cry on and nothing more. (Pause) And it’s been a month!

    KEVIN
    Has it really, doesn’t time fly. (Pause) She does have a lovely little bum on her though.

    BANG-BANG
    Don’t you dare Kevin O’Shea.

    KEVIN
    Scared of a little competition are you?

    BANG-BANG
    I’d hardly consider you competition now.

    KEVIN
    How about a little wager then?

    BANG-BANG
    I’ll have no part in betting. Not for love.

    KEVIN
    Five pounds to whomever gets a kiss off her.

    BANG-BANG
    Ten.

    KEVIN
    Deal

    PAJO
    Are we going to get this monopoly started or what?

    KEVIN
    Give me a second till I get the board.

    PAJO
    Bring us over a pint while you’re at it.
    (Kevin pulls a few pints.)

    KEVIN
    Here, carry these over while I have a look for the board.

    BANG-BANG
    Do I look like a barmaid?

    KEVIN
    There’s a free one in it for you.

    BANG-BANG
    Right you are.

    DANNY
    Can I play?

    BANG-BANG
    No you’re too young.

    DANNY
    For monopoly?

    BANG-BANG
    Yes.

    DANNY
    It’s a kids game.
    (Bang-Bang brings over the drinks to the table and comes back for his whiskey and pint.)

    BANG-BANG
    Well you’re not a kid anymore are you?

    DANNY
    No. but --

    BANG-BANG
    Here, read this instead.
    (Bang-Bang hands him a magazine from the counter.)

    DANNY
    “Woman’s Way”! What the hell would I want with ‘Woman’s’ (Pause) oh wait now. “Ten ways to loose stubborn tummy fat”.
    (Danny grabs his tummy in a few places.) Well I have been carrying a little bit of holiday weight.

    BANG-BANG
    Well I didn’t want to say anything.

    PART 7:
    www.mehoop.com/microposts/109

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    Posted 7 months ago.



    Post views: 227
  • Comments

    1. B. Robertson

      Super fun read, ‘craic’-ed along great style. For me, a piece of writing works when I can almost see the protagonists in my head like watching them on a stage or tv. The interplay between the players was like a Wimbledon tennis match —with no bad hips!


      Posted 7 months ago


    1. Janet

      Hilarious well done


      Posted 7 months ago


    1. Jack Gruber

      Very funny. I have been enjoying the series so far. Looking forward to the next one.


      Posted 7 months ago


    1. The Brother Grim

      Cheers for all the comments guys and gals.


      Posted 7 months ago