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    Danny And Bang Bang ( Part 7: The Monopoly Game)


    Annie and Mary walk into the bar much to the delight of Bang-Bang

    BANG-BANG
    Annie, glad you could make it.

    ANNIE
    Bang-Bang. I was hoping I would see--

    MARY
    Have you been getting my husband drunk again Bang-Bang Doyle?

    BANG-BANG
    Not a bit of it. He’s been getting drunk all by himself.

    MARY
    Look at the state of him.
    (Bang-Bang stares at Pajo a moment.)

    BANG-BANG
    Sure that’s how he always looks.

    PAJO
    Stop giving out and sit down. We’re about to play Monopoly. (Shouting) Kevin, where’s the feckin monopoly?

    KEVIN
    I’m looking. Have a bit of patience.

    BANG-BANG
    Would you like to join us Annie?

    ANNIE
    Well I suppose so Mister Doyle.

    KEVIN
    Found it. Does anyone want a drink before I come over?

    PAJO
    It’s my round. Annie what will you have?

    ANNIE
    Gin and tonic for me thanks Pajo.

    PAJO
    (At Kevin) Gin and tonic for Annie, another whiskey for Bang-Bang and for Mary?

    MARY
    You know very well Pajo Dooley that I don’t touch the stuff, I’ll just have a lemonade. Diet Lemonade!

    PAJO
    And a large brandy for Mary.

    KEVIN
    Right so.

    BANG-BANG
    Annie, I just wanted to say that your hair is looking very pretty.

    PAJO
    Oh Mother of Jesus!
    (Mary kicks Pajo under the table. He jumps.)

    PAJO
    What the hell was that for?

    MARY
    Be nice you.

    PAJO
    I am nice.

    MARY
    You’re an ungrateful little shite is what you are.

    PAJO
    Well that’s lovely language from my new wife isn’t it?

    MARY
    Well I’ll be your old wife if you keep that lip up.

    PAJO
    Are you not old enough already?

    MARY
    What was that?
    (Bang-Bang butts in attempting to diffuse the situation.)

    BANG-BANG
    Pajo tells me you’re into Buckaroo.

    MARY
    What? Pajo! What the hell is he talking about?

    PAJO
    Nothing Mary. (Beat) He’s just, you know, crazy old Bang-Bang that’s all. Isn’t that right Bang-Bang?

    BANG-BANG
    You told me earlier that Mary was into ropes and whips and that.
    (Mary kicks Pajo under the table.)

    MARY
    I don’t know what you’re talking about. Pajo, what have you been telling him?

    PAJO
    Nothing. Honest. He’s just joking with ya. (Turning to Bang-Bang) Give it a rest you.
    (Kevin brings over the tray of drinks and hands them out.)

    KEVIN
    Pint for Pajo. Whiskey for Bang-Bang. G and T for the lovely Annie and a large brandy for Mary.

    MARY
    Well I wouldn’t normally now as well you know Kevin. (He goes to take it back) But since you have already poured it, there's no use in letting it go to waste. (He then puts it back down. She grabs it, throws it down in one and shudders with enjoyment as it slips below her throat.) Oh mother of mercy, lord bless us and save us I’ll have one more while you’re still standing. (She hands the glass back to Kevin.)

    PAJO
    Kevin!

    KEVIN
    What?

    PAJO
    The monopoly!

    KEVIN
    Oh right yeah.
    (Kevin goes back to fetch the monopoly.)

    ANNIE
    Sure you might as well join us Kevin. It doesn’t look like anyone else will be coming in.

    BANG-BANG
    Well I’m not sure if we have much room left at the table.

    ANNIE
    Of course we do. Sit over here beside me.
    (Kevin get the board and puts the board on the table and squeezes in)

    KEVIN
    You know that’s a lovely dress Annie. Is it new?

    PAJO
    Oh Christ not another one.
    (Mary tries to kick Pajo but he pulls his feet out of the way this time)

    PAJO
    Hah! Missed.

    KEVIN
    Right lets get this game going.
    (Kevin starts to set up the board)

    KEVIN
    Okay. Now I’m taking out the car from the very start.

    PAJO
    Why?

    KEVIN
    Because I’ll have the two of you fighting over who gets it.

    PAJO
    That’s not fair. What if I wanted to be the car.

    BANG-BANG
    No I want to be the car.

    KEVIN
    Nobody is the bloody car. So forget about it. (Pause) Now who wants the Iron.

    PAJO
    Don’t bother giving it to Mary anyway, she wouldn’t know what to do with it.

    MARY
    How about next time instead of ironing your shirts I shove the iron up your ungrateful little arse instead.

    PAJO
    You’re always trying to stick things up my arse you are. I’m sick of it. There’s to be no more household items shoved up there, you hear me?

    MARY
    It will be the barrel of a gun I stick up there next and blow your little bollocks off.

    PAJO
    You wouldn’t dare.

    MARY
    Try me.
    (Long Silence)

    KEVIN
    Right! So who wants to be the top hat?

    (Both Pajo and Mary shoot Kevin a dirty look)

    KEVIN
    Ill be the top hat so.

    ANNIE
    How about I give out the pieces so there will be no arguing.

    KEVIN
    Of course Annie. And I reckon you will make a great job of it too.

    BANG-BANG
    (Mocking Kevin’s voice) “You will make a great job of it too”.

    ANNIE
    Okay, Kevin is the Hat.

    KEVIN
    Oh thank you Annie.

    ANNIE
    Bang-Bang can be the boot. Mary can be the dog.

    PAJO
    You got that right.

    MARY
    What was that?

    PAJO
    Nothing.

    ANNIE
    And Pajo, you can be the Iron.

    PAJO
    What? No, why am I the Iron?

    ANNIE
    Because I think you’re a modern man. And modern men do the ironing from time to time.

    PAJO
    You hear that. I’m a modern man.

    MARY
    Well shut up and do your ironing then.

    PAJO
    Right. That’s it.

    (Pajo stands up. Then Mary stands up looming over him)

    PAJO
    I’m off to the toilet.

    BANG-BANG
    Lets start.

    ANNIE
    Should we not wait for Pajo to come back?

    BANG-BANG
    Sure he can go last. Go on Annie, you roll first.

    ANNIE
    Right so.
    (Annie rolls and moves her piece)

    ANNIE
    Rathmines road. How much is that?

    KEVIN
    Hundred and twenty.

    ANNIE
    Ill take it.

    BANG-BANG
    Great buy Mary.
    (Annie hands the dice to Mary)

    ANNIE
    Your roll Mary.
    (Mary rolls and moves her piece)

    MARY
    Crumlin.

    KEVIN
    Do you want to buy it?

    MARY
    I wouldn’t be caught dead buying a place in Crumlin. Very low class of people from that area.

    BANG-BANG
    I thought Pajo was from Crumlin?

    MARY
    Exactly.

    KEVIN
    You know you don’t actually have to live in Crumlin? It’s just a game.

    MARY
    Still. I wouldn’t want anyone to know I’d bought a place there. Even if it was just in a game. What would people think?

    ANNIE
    You’re right too Mary. You live where you want to live. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

    MARY
    Thank you Annie.

    KEVIN
    Girls. It’s a bloody game!
    (Pajo arrives back from the toilet)

    PAJO
    Could you not have waited for me.

    BANG-BANG
    I thought you would be in there for ages. What with your shy bladder and all.

    PAJO
    Just give me that dice. (He surveys the board) Oh good no one’s bought Crumlin yet.
    (Pajo rolls and moves his piece)

    PAJO
    Community chest.
    (Pajo picks up a card and reads)

    PAJO
    “Go to Jail, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred pounds.” Ah for feck sake. Did one of you rig this when I was in the toilet.
    (All shake their heads to the negative)

    PAJO
    Why do I have to go Jail?

    KEVIN
    Cause the card says so.

    PAJO
    Well if a guard came up to you on the street and told you to go jail. You would ask why wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t go just because he said so.

    BANG-BANG
    Just go to jail will you and play the game.

    PAJO
    No, not until I get a good reason.

    MARY
    Okay, how about the police have raided your house and found your fridge freezer full of severed heads.
    (All are taken aback by this comment)

    KEVIN
    Whoa Mary, that's a little extreme don't you think?

    MARY
    Well he wanted a reason.

    PAJO
    Yeah, like tax evasion or something. Not serial killing.

    BANG-BANG
    And I think three turns is a pretty short sentence for severing heads, don't you? He should be in jail for the rest of the game for a crime like that.

    ANNIE
    Well how about unpaid car tax?

    KEVIN
    Well now, you see what you’ve done there is gone for too minor a crime.

    PAJO
    Yeah, it would be a bit harsh to be put in jail for no car tax. A fine at most is all that would be. I don't want to be wasting tax payers money by spending time in jail for that.

    BANG-BANG
    Well how about fraud?

    PAJO
    What type of fraud.

    BANG-BANG
    I don’t know, some sort of shady accounting practices.

    MARY
    He’d have to be able to count for that.

    PAJO
    I can count perfectly well thank you very much.

    MARY
    Yeah until you run out of fingers and toes.

    PAJO
    Well when that happens I just start counting the hairs coming out of your nose.
    (Mary and Pajo jump to their feet leaning over that table staring each other down.)

    KEVIN
    How about you kidnap Mary.

    MARY
    What!

    KEVIN
    That’s why he goes to jail. For kidnapping you.

    PAJO
    Sounds fair to me. And worth it.
    (Mary swings for him, but he ducks out of the way. He then moves his piece to jail)

    PAJO
    That will make two of us that have done some hard time.

    KEVIN
    What? Who else has done time?

    PAJO
    Bang-bang has. Oh wait. Was that a secret?

    ANNIE
    Were you in jail Bang-Bang?

    BANG-BANG
    I was Annie. Ah it was a long time ago now.

    ANNIE
    What did you do if you don’t mind me asking?

    MARY
    Did you murder a man. How did you do it? Did you slit his throat with a rusty razor? That’s how I’d do it.
    (All look at her surprised)

    MARY
    What? I was only asking.

    BANG-BANG
    No Mary. Nothing so bad. (To Pajo) You’d want to keep an eye on her. (Pause) Ah, it was nothing much really. A couple of years before the war began I was working as a dishy in a little restaurant in Munich Germany. Just a bit of money to keep me fed and watered on my travels, that kind of thing. I picked up a fair bit of the language while I was there too.

    KEVIN
    I didn’t know you spoke German.

    BANG-BANG
    Si senor.

    PAJO
    That’s Spanish?

    BANG-BANG
    Is it?

    PAJO
    Yeah.

    ANNIE
    Spanish and German. That’s amazing.

    BANG-BANG
    Merci.

    PAJO
    Sure that’s French. Three languages you speak now is it?

    BANG-BANG
    I suppose I do.

    ANNIE
    My husband could barely speak English. He usually just grunted when he wanted something. Usually what he wanted involved more grunting.

    PART 8:
    www.mehoop.com/microposts/112

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    Posted 7 months ago.



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