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    Danny And Bang Bang ( Part 8: Bang Bang Meets Hitler)


    MARY
    Oh Annie, you’re terrible.

    ANNIE
    It’s true. All men are only interested in one thing. My husband was no different.

    PAJO
    He doesn’t grunt so much now I’d say.

    MARY
    Pajo!

    PAJO
    What? She didn't even like him.

    MARY
    That’s still no way to talk about a dead man.

    PAJO
    Sure he’s dead. I can say whatever I want, he wont hear me.

    ANNIE
    It’s fine Mary. He wasn’t a very nice man.

    MARY
    That’s putting it mildly. He was a prick.

    PAJO
    Mary!

    MARY
    Sure you said it yourself. He’s dead. He can’t hear me.

    ANNIE
    No. You’re right Mary. He wasn’t very nice at all. He was a. He was a, a, a --
    (She can’t say the word)

    MARY
    Go on Annie. It’s okay. Let it out.

    ANNIE
    He was a prick. A prick. There I said it. Oh God that felt good. A prick he was. Big smelly prick.

    MARY
    Okay that’s enough now.

    ANNIE
    Sorry. I don’t know what came over me.

    MARY
    That’s quiet alright.

    BANG-BANG
    You need to be with someone that will treat you right.

    KEVIN
    He’s right, but it should probably be someone who’s never been to jail. Weren’t you in the middle a of story Bang-Bang.

    BANG-BANG
    Oh yes. Where was I?

    KEVIN
    Scrubbing sauerkraut off pots.

    BANG-BANG
    Right yes. I was washing away and in walks the restaurants owner Helga and shouts (German accent)“Irish boy”. That’s what she used to call me. “Irish boy, out front. Schenll! Zer is someone important who vants to talk to you” So I take off my gloves and hang up my apron and out I go. She points over to a dimly lit corner table. I couldn’t really make out who was sitting at it. “Over there” she says. And gave me a big slap on the bum. She was very handsy was Helga. Always grabbing my arse. Dirty auld bitch. But that’s another story. So I make my way over, my eyes adjusting to the dark until finally I see who it is.

    PAJO
    Barry O’Loughlin.

    BANG-BANG
    What?

    PAJO
    Barry O’Loughlin. You know. From St Josephs Terrace? He’s always telling me about travelling around the world bumping into people.

    MARY
    Shut up Pajo. Barry O’Louglin is only in his thirties. He wouldn’t have been born yet. Who was it Bang-Bang?
    (All lean in to hear)

    BANG-BANG
    Hitler.

    ALL
    Hitler?

    BANG-BANG
    The very same.

    KEVIN
    As in, funny moustache and Nazis and World War two. That Hitler?

    BANG-BANG
    Do you know another Hitler?
    (Kevin thinks a while)

    KEVIN
    What’s the name of Tom McCormac’s son? Works in the butcher shop.

    BANG-BANG
    That would be John.

    KEVIN
    Definitely not Hilter?

    BANG-BANG
    No. It’s definitely John.

    KEVIN
    Right.

    BANG-BANG
    Can I continue?
    (Kevin thinks on it a moment.)

    KEVIN
    Go for it.

    BANG-BANG
    Thank you! (Pause) So I walk over and he points to the seat in front of him and continues eating. I take a seat and just sit there, watching him gobble down his food. Either side of him are two big SS guards who just stare at me. It felt like forever. All of us just sitting there in silence watching Hitler stuff huge these huge big sausages into his mouth.

    PAJO
    I saw a video like that once.

    MARY
    Did you now?

    PAJO
    What was it again?

    BANG-BANG
    (Annoyed)Can I tell the story or what?
    (They all go quiet)

    BANG-BANG
    Thank you. So he finishes his sausages. And looks up to me and says --

    PAJO
    “The Sound of Music”. That was it. “The Sound of Music”.

    ANNIE
    Did they eat sausages in “The Sound of Music”?

    PAJO
    Ah they must have. There was definitely Nazis in it anyway. And singing.

    MARY
    I think I have the tape of it at home somewhere. Maybe we can watch it later and check for sausages.

    BANG-BANG
    Right that's it. I'm done. I'm not telling anymore of the story.

    PAJO
    Thank Christ for that.
    (Mary kicks him)

    MARY
    Don’t mind him, go on with your story Bang-Bang.

    BANG-BANG
    No, you lot will just keep interrupting me.

    ANNIE
    Ah go on. I was really enjoying it.

    BANG-BANG
    Okay. But only because it was you asked me. (Pause) Ah I’ve forgotten where I was again. You lot have me all mixed up with your talking.

    PAJO
    Nazi sausage.

    BANG-BANG
    What did you call me?

    PAJO
    No, you were talking about Hitler eating sausages.

    BANG-BANG
    Right. Yeah. (Beat) So he puts down his knife and fork, wipes the crumbs from his face and just looks at me a while. Finally after an age he speaks. (German accent) “You are ze Irish man Helga has vorking in the kitchen are you not?”. “I am” says I. “Das ist gut.” he says. “I vant you to teach me ” he says. “Teach you. Sure what do I know”? says I. (Beat) He leans in (Beat) and very quietly says “I vant you to teach me to speak as you speak”.
    (All remain quiet for a time a little confused)

    ANNIE
    Could he not speak English?

    BANG-BANG
    That’s what confused me. He spoke very good English. He learned it from watching Charlie Chaplin movies. He was a huge fan.

    KEVIN
    Wait. Aren’t Charlie Chaplin movies silent?

    BANG-BANG
    They are. (Pause) But he could lip read.

    KEVIN
    (Long Pause) Oh right.

    BANG-BANG
    What he actually wanted was to speak with an Irish accent. His English was good, but he had a thick German accent. He didn’t want to sound British or American and thought Irish the next best thing. So everyday after lunch he would come in and we would just chat. I’d tell him stories from home and people I knew and anything I could think of really. He would repeat what I said and after about a month he had an almost perfect accent. It was incredible. If it wasn’t for the funny moustache and Nazi uniform, you would think he was from down the road.

    ANNIE
    How did this all end you up in prison?
    (Bang-Bang reaches into his pocket and takes out a huge big key with a Nazi symbol inscribed on it.

    BANG-BANG
    He was so happy with his new accent he gave me this. The key to the city.

    KEVIN
    What does it open?

    BANG-BANG
    Absolutely feckin nothing. (Pause) I was two weeks walking around Munich going from door to door seeing if it would open any of them. Someone saw me and called the police. I did three months in Stadelheim Prison for attempted burglary. Terrible dreary place. Food wasn’t up to much neither. Once Id done my time they deported me and told me never to return to Germany.
    (Silence for a few moments as they all take it in)

    PAJO
    (Picks up dice) Right who’s go is it?

    BLACKOUT
    SCENE ENDS

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    Posted 6 months ago.



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