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    Earth Mother Demands Every Drug In The Hospital Just Moments After First Contraction


    Well known tofu muncher and all round enemy of fun Catriona Flowers was admitted to hospital early this morning heavily pregnant and ready to pop. For the previous nine months she had at every opportunity assured her friends, that unlike them, she would be having a natural birth. Yet mere seconds after her first contraction, she roared for the doctor to pump her full of every drug the hospital had in stock.

    “Normally when I’m feeling some discomfort or a little uneasy about things, I just have some Ginseng tea,” said Catriona. “Maybe if I had a really rough day I throw in a little honey to take the edge off. But for some reason the Ginseng wasn’t helping with the pain. It was sometime around the third cup that the first contraction came and I thought to myself, ‘this is interesting. This really isn’t that pleasant at all. It was at that stage I made the calm and conscience decision to take every painkiller the hospital could legally pump into me. I overheard one doctor say the medication they gave me is normally used to tranquilize elephants.”

    “I’m sure it was a far more painful pregnancy than most women experience. And the mess. Oh, Jesus the mess. I shit myself six times. I'm not even kidding. Six God damn times. They had to keep bringing in the janitor to clean up. He couldn’t speak any English, but he was not happy I can tell you that. Nobody tells you that when they are describing the magic of child birth. It’s all wonder, joy and happiness. Nobody tells you about the shit covered mop or the fact your vagina would be left looking like a badly packed kebab.

    From now on it’s all natural. I have decided not to get my new born child vaccinated. I vaguely remember reading something somewhere that it doesn’t actually do anything. It’s just a way for governments to keep track of us. I’m pretty sure measles is just made up. I’ve never met anyone that had it.

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    Posted 9 months ago.



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