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    Horny Hubby Turned Me Into C3 Po…But Was I The Droid He Was Looking For?

    ‘I can’t believe you’d never seen Star Wars before,’ my husband, Gary, 44, chuckled as the end credits for the popular sci-fi film rolled.

    We’d been married for a month and this was our second Saturday night date night as husband and wife, a tradition I hoped we’d keep up: takeaway, a bottle of wine and a DVD.

    ‘I can’t see what all the fuss is about,’ I said, gobbling a spring roll. ‘It's just a load of spaceships and creepy characters.’

    But, as I was about to learn, it meant a lot more to Gary…

    In bed later, Gary cuddled up to me and whispered in my ear: ‘You know, ever since I saw Star Wars, I’ve had this fantasy.’

    Oh, here we go, I thought, grinning. I’d seen the episode of Friends where Monica dressed up as Princess Leia for Chandler. Not that I was against fancy dress and role play. Quite the opposite. Sex with Gary had dwindled a bit in the last couple of months, but it had always been a highlight of our relationship and we’d enjoyed spicing things up in the bedroom from the beginning, dressing up teacher and pupil, cops and robbers, nurse and patient. But what Gary was about to suggest was a real shocker…

    ‘I’d love you to dress up as C3PO,’ he said, looking at me with pure lust in his eyes.

    I was open mouthed. ‘Wh-, what?’ I spluttered. ‘That gold robot? But that’s a bloke, isn’t it?’

    Gary let out a sigh and rolled onto his back. ‘Everyone always says that, but droids are androgynous. I’m not gay, Shell.’

    I didn’t know what to say..

    ‘Will you at least think about it?’ he said, then switched out the bedside lamp and fell straight to sleep.

    But as he snored beside me I lay wide awake. What was going on and what was I going to do?

    The next day, we went for our usual Sunday stroll and roast at the local pub.

    C3PO hadn’t been mentioned again and I was secretly hoping it was a joke or the weird result of too much wine. But then, as he mopped up his gravy with a Yorkshire pudding, Gary asked, ‘So, have you thought about what I asked you?’

    My heart sank. So it hadn’t been a joke after all. I was no prude, but something about this just didn’t seem right., But how could I say no? This was the man I loved and, really, it was just a bit of dressing up. What was the harm?

    ‘Okay,’ I said, still not convinced. ‘Okay, let’s do it.’

    Gary grinned from ear to ear.

    When I got home from my job as General Manager at the local OneStop that night, all I wanted was to collapse on the sofa and watch the soaps: Corrie, EastEnders, Emmerdale. The lot. But Gary had other plans.

    He ran downstairs, as excited as a kid at Christmas, a gold package in his hands.

    ‘Look what I’ve got,’ he said. ‘I can’t wait to see you in it.’

    10 minutes later, I was standing in front of the mirrored wardrobe in our bedroom, tugging at the figure-hugging gold lycra. I’d never been super slim, but since losing a stone for the wedding, I suppose I’d let myself relax a little and, as a result, put most of the weight back on. C3PO? More like C3 Porkio! I pulled the golden wrestler-style mask over my head and my heart sank.

    ‘You can come in,’ I called to Gary, who’d been waiting on the landing.

    He came into the room and stared at me in a way he hadn’t for months.

    ‘God, Shell, you look absolutely bloody gorgeous.’

    I didn’t feel it. I felt like every lump and bump was exaggerated by the clingy lycra and my face was sweaty.

    ‘It’s hard to see in this mask though,’ I said. ‘And breathe too.’

    Gary reached out and pinched my bum. ‘Do the voice,’ he said.

    ‘The voice?’ I asked, confused.

    ‘You know,’ Gary said, then in a camp tone: ‘Master Luke, Master Luke.’

    I blinked. Had I done the right thing? ‘Master Luke, Master Luke,’ I repeated, parrot fashion.

    ‘And the arms,’ Gary said. He jerked his arms at right angles, just as C3PO had done in the movie, and I copied him.

    ‘That’s it Shell,’ he said. ‘God, that is it.’

    A couple of hours later, I lay on the bed feeling like a broken puppet. The sex had been incredible. My heart raced and my body was drenched in sweat.

    ‘That. Was. Incredible,’ Gary said.

    I was in the C3PO get up every night for the next fortnight and, although it felt nice to be so desired, by the end of the second week, the novelty had worn thin and the mask stank.

    ‘That’s it,’ I said on the Saturday morning, folding up the outfit and hiding it at the bottom of the wardrobe. ’I’m putting C3PO away for a while.’

    Gary looked devastated and, with C3PO packed away, our sex life dwindled.

    After a month of no action, I brought it up, but he dismissed my worry by saying he saying was tired, he just wasn’t in the mood or the curry he’d had was repeating on him.

    It was a Monday night when I came home from work early. The light above the till at work was broken and had flickered all day, so I had a massive headache.

    As soon as I turned the key in the lock, I knew something was wrong.

    Standing at the bottom of the stairs, I could hear noises coming from our bedroom.

    I held onto the banister as I climbed the stairs and pushed open the bedroom door to see a golden shape writhing around on the bed.

    I didn’t know what to do and so I just stood there trembling until the shape separated and I saw two C3POs staring at me.

    ‘It’s not what it looks like Shell,’ said one.

    ‘Who the hell’s this?’ said the other.

    The next few minutes were a blur. All I can remember is slapping Gary and telling the woman she could get changed in the toilet.

    Gary and I started seeing a marriage counsellor soon after, but I knew I could never trust him again. We divorced at the start of the year and now I’m engaged to Roy, who loves me for me.

    I wasn't the droid Gary was looking for, but I hear he's got a new girlfriend. May the force be with them!

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    Posted 6 months ago.

    Post views: 195
  • Comments

    1. Señor Spielbergo

      Im not sure if that was funny or disturbing. A little bit of both really. So well written it feels like it might be true and seen in an Agony Aunt column.

      Posted 6 months ago