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    Stuck On Repeat ( Part 7 )


    INT. BIG TOMS OFFICE - NIGHT

    BIG TOM
    The first step was to get the guys. I had the vision, but needed the voices. I put an advert in the local paper’s music section. I tried to think up something that would catch their attention. It read, “Seeking a group of young men for exciting opportunities and new experiences”. But there was a mix up and they put it under the casual encounters section. God, I had all sorts of perverts turning up at the door. You should have seen some of them.

    CUT TO:
    INT. BIG TOMS HOUSE - NIGHT
    We see Big Tom opening a succession of doors, each time a different man wearing a different outfit. A scuba diver, a clown, a baseball player licking his bat. Then an old lady carrying her shopping.

    OLD LADY
    Am I too late for the orgy?

    INT. BIG TOMS OFFICE - DAY
    BIG TOM
    After the mistake was rectified and re-worded. I posted it again with hope. I’ll have to admit, I was a little disappointed with the initial turn out.

    BACK TO:
    INT. BIG TOMS HOUSE
    (We see a younger Big Tom at one end of his living room, behind a plastic table. He’s got a sheet of paper and pen, ready to interview his prospective band members.)

    BIG TOM
    So tell me a bit about yourself. We now see a mid forties rough biker type sitting on the chair across from him.

    BIKER
    Well, I’m Britney. I'm a 24 year old girl stuck inside a man’s body.

    BIG TOM
    Next.

    (We now see a very large teen boy sitting nervously, with a flock of seagulls haircut.)

    TEEN BOY
    My name is Matthew, I'm 19. My mum said I'm a great singer and will grow up to be president one day.

    BIG TOM
    Oh wow, yeah, that's great kid! Eh look, sorry you’re not really what I'm going for in the looks department.

    TEEN BOY
    Is it the hair?

    BIG TOM
    Yes, that's it, the hair. And I'm also a little afraid that you might eat one of the other band members.

    TEEN BOY
    Oh right, I see. Well I tried going on a diet, it’s just, I don’t like salad. So what I did was, I got a pet rabbit. I got the rabbit to eat the salad. Then I ate the rabbit. But after the third one, the guy in the pet store wouldn’t sell me any more.

    BIG TOM
    What a charming story. Next. The old lady from earlier walks in. For the last time Mrs. Reilly, there’s no orgy!

    INT. BIG TOMS OFFICE - DAY
    BIG TOM
    It just went from bad to worse. One crazy person after another. But then finally, just as I was about to give up hope, in walked Lance. He must have been about sixteen at the time. It was the first time I’d ever seen a mullet. It looked like a startled cat had died on his head. He was wearing a sleeveless sex pistols T-shirt. Bright bloody yellow. I didn’t quite know what to make of him until he started to sing.

    INT. BIG TOMS HOUSE - NIGHT
    (We see a young Lance standing there as Big Tom describes. He looks confident and sure of himself. Big Tom looks through his sheet of names.)

    BIG TOM
    So, Lance is it?

    LANCE
    Yeah that’s right. I hear you’re looking to set up a band.

    BIG TOM
    Well, a boy band yes.

    LANCE
    What’s the difference?

    BIG TOM
    Well a boy band doesn’t really play instruments, they just sing.

    LANCE
    So there’s no music?

    BIG TOM
    No there will be music playing. Probably a back up band.

    LANCE
    So it’s a band then?

    BIG TOM
    Well no, it’s, look just sing something or fuck off!

    LANCE
    Ok, this is “Like A Virgin” by Madonna.

    (Big Tom looks surprised by this choice of song.)

    BIG TOM
    Like A Virgin. Really?

    LANCE
    Yes. What’s wrong with that.

    BIG TOM
    Many, many things. But go ahead.

    (Lance, closes his eyes, really getting into the moment. As the song comes on, he suddenly explodes forward, jumping onto the desk and shoving his crotch in Tom’s face.)

    LANCE
    Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.

    (He keeps repeating this line over and over until Tom makes him stop.)

    BIG TOM
    Ok ok, that’s enough.

    LANCE
    Have I got the part?

    BIG TOM
    Yes, yes, Jesus. Just get off the table.

    (Lance jumps down and goes to walk off. He turns and points to Tom and stares at him intensely.)

    LANCE
    Like a Virgin.

    INT. BIG TOMS OFFICE - DAY Big Tom interview.
    BIG TOM
    What could I do, the kid had something. There was no doubt about that. He knew that he only had one chance and he took it. I had to say yes.

    INT. CONVENTION CENTRE - DAY
    LANCE
    I have heard Big Tom’s version of this story before. I mean, come on. It’s a bit unrealistic don’t you think?

    LARS
    Yes, the whole “Like a virgin” crotch dance did seem a little strange.

    LANCE
    What? No that true. I’m talking about the T-shirt. I don’t even like the sex pistols.

    INT. BIG TOMS OFFICE - DAY Big
    BIG TOM
    So next up were Zach and Corey. They were school mates who dropped out early. They had been busking for a few weeks together and thought they were going to be rock stars. But they didn’t know any songs. They would just shout random phrases at passers by. People sometimes gave them money because they thought that they were retarded. God, what was their band name again? It was something bloody awful anyway. But none the less, they still had something. I knew I had to sign them before scurvy set in.

    INT. BIG TOMS HOUSE - NIGHT
    (We see Zach and Corey, both poorly dressed, looking more like tramps than future pop stars.)

    BIG TOM
    So, what are you boys going to sing for me?

    ZACH
    “Easy lover” by Philip Bailey and Phil Collins. It’s close to our hearts, as Phil Collins is our father. We’re half brothers.

    BIG TOM
    Oh I see. Do you speak to him often?

    ZACH
    No, we’ve never met him.

    COREY
    We contacted him a few times but he wouldn’t take our calls. Then we sent him our pictures to show him the family resemblance.

    BIG TOM
    But you don’t look anything like him.

    COREY
    That’s what he said.

    INT. BIG TOMS OFFICE - DAY
    BIG TOM
    I later found out their mothers had been Bo Diddling the same Phil Collins look alike. But I didn’t have the heart to tell them.

    INT. PRISON - DAY Zach talking head.
    ZACH
    Turns out my real father was actually a German sailor called Claus. I heard the whole crew contracted gonorrhea and died on the voyage back to Germany. My mother always did have a thing for those Germans though. And Sailors. Anyone in a uniform really. In her defence, she was a terrible slut.

    INT. SCHOOL HALL - DAY
    LARS (O.S.)
    So did you ever find out who your real father was?

    (Corey looks very confused and upset. Like a kid who has just found out there is no Santa.)

    COREY
    Sorry, I don’t understand. What do you mean? Phil is my real father.

    INT. BIG TOMS OFFICE - DAY
    LARS (O.S.)
    And the boys got the part?

    BIG TOM
    Oh yes, they had it all. Plus I knew their sad depressing back story would endear them to their new fans. They were also young and starving. I waved a ham sandwich in their face and they signed straight away. Poor hungry bastards hadn’t a clue what they were doing.

    LARS (O.S.)
    So all that’s left now is Markus.

    BIG TOM
    Ah yes, Markus. Sure the other three could sing, but they were no Markus Markus. I had finished all the auditions and had closed up. I was just about to make dinner when suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

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    Posted 6 months ago.



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