Donald Trump Admits Hole In Right Abdomen
International medical experts were in attendance at the White House Friday performing a battery of medical tests on Donald Trump. The US President had earlier revealed to his on-staff physician that he has a cavity in his right abdomen wall which had been left untreated for over 50 years.
'The President is in no immediate danger and in all other respects is healthy', said consultant proctologist, Monet Hoar M.D at a White House press briefing on Saturday morning. 'The opening in The President's right torso is precisely that, an opening'.
According to Hoar, 'President Trump has been living with a severe gaping orifice in his right side for half a century.'
'The medical term for the Presidents condition is Deutertrypacloaca and it functions much like a second anus for the gastrointestinal system.'
Having a hole in the abdomen is not an isolated medical scenario. A common surgical procedure is a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy, whereby a feeding tube is placed through a hole in the abdominal wall to allow vital fluids, nutrients and/or medications to be put directly into the stomach, bypassing the mouth and esophagus.
The team of expert physicians who examined Mr. Trump were brought in at the request of White House Chief Of Staff, Mick Mulvaney when he caught sight of the hole as he and the President were changing in the locker room of the White House gym.
'It looked like one of those earplugs you see on hipsters. He has the fuckin thing plugged with something. Like I don't know, looks like an Oreo.'
The official message from the White House is that Mr. Trump does indeed have an 'unusual' condition but had taken appropriate steps to keep that condition in check by attending a piercing and tattoo parlor in his thirties. He is not in any way unfit to perform his function as President Of The United States.
Despite the positive stance, the White House media relations team is putting out, even going so far as to include #faecesfriends on the White House official Twitter account, a source close to the medical examiners can reveal that Mr. Trump's condition is anything but normal.
'The truth is, Trumps hole wasn't put there. It grew there. As far as we can tell the recess appeared when The President was in his late teens. It appears to have continued to grow and is prone to emitting a billious, fibrous, fecal type of discharge periodically throughout the day. In short, we believe Trump's second anus is shitting at regular intervals. These periods of shitting through this second anus seem to correlate with the amount of stress the President is under from members of the press. The shit stream apparently increases as the President tries to dodge questions on topics about which he knows sweet fuck all', a source close to the White House medical team has revealed.
When asked if, in his medical opinion, the condition could be construed as extraordinary or life-threatening our physician was more nuanced,
'No, it's not extraordinary. It is rare, however, and only a few similar cases have been reported globally. What is extraordinary however is the President's ability to keep such a condition away from the Nation for so long. I mean when you think about it he's been spouting yellow bile and seeping shit through his hole for half a century.'
'And once you know it you can't unknow it. You can see it at every press conference, he speaks with his right elbow pressed and covering the hole. It is an attempt to prevent an overflow of shit. With his right hand raised he is gesticulating as well as defecating simultaneously. He's some man to have kept that a secret from us even throughout the election.'
President Trump will remain in situ at rest in the White House with wife Melania and daughter Ivanka by his bedside, bedpans at the ready, for the coming week according to White House correspondents.
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