New Parents Shocked To Discover Nobody Wants To See Photos Of Their Children
Doting parents Ted and Elaine awoke this morning to the realization that not one of their friends wanted to see photos of their kids and really couldn’t give a tuppenny fuck about the school play they were in the previous night.
For years Ted and Elaine (mainly Elaine) have been posting photos of their kids online in the wrongful assumption that people actually wanted to see them. “We would often arrive home from little Ted’s school play with hours of footage and hundreds of photos,” said Ted. “We had no interest in ever looking at them ourselves. We’d suffered through one soul sucking performance of “Joseph and his Technicolor Dream Coat”, we couldn’t face another. But we would upload all the footage and photos so our friends could watch little Ted play a tree in the background, occasionally breaking character to pick his nose.”
Elaine butts in at this point of the interview claiming Ted isn’t explaining things correctly. “Little Ted was the best tree that school has ever seen. We had to share it with the world. It wouldn’t have been fair of us to keep it to ourselves. I’m not saying he saved the play with his performance. But he saved the play with his performance. So, once we got home, we uploaded everything as we usually do. But when we awoke this morning we were shocked to see there wasn’t a single comment or like on any of the photos. The video hadn’t received a single view. He put everything he had into that performance. I really just can’t believe not one person would want to see it. I’m starting to think that maybe our friends are all just a bunch of douche nozzles.”
We asked one of Ted and Elaine's closest friends Jim his thoughts on the situation. “Oh Christ, they haven’t put up another video, have they? Every time I check my feed it’s just picture after picture of their son. And don’t get me started on those awful fucking plays. They seem to think they’re bringing up Lawrence Olivier. He’s been in four school plays, each time playing a rock, or a bush or a saucepan or some other inanimate object. One year they gave him a line and he missed his queue. Four plays and the kid has never opened his mouth once except to yawn. They’ll be building him a shelf to hold his Oscars soon. I’m so sick of looking at his smug little face. What’s he got going on that I don’t. Nothing, that’s what.”
Ted and Elaine and are not alone in their collective delusion. They, like all parents think their child can do no wrong. Whether they are finger painting, picking their nose or playing a tree in the school play, a parent has the overwhelming urge to film it and put it online in the firm belief that their friends will enjoy seeing it as much as they themselves have. This is of course is utter nonsense.
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