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    Fat Lad Introduced To Love Island Immediately Enters Friend Zone

    Barry Bigtown entered the Love Island villa today with a kebab in one hand and bag of cans in the other. Told by show producers to go in there and break some hearts, so far, the only thing he’s broken is the toilet seat. Considering the super models and male body builders that usually appear on the show, Barry's inclusion has taken some viewers by surprise. With a size 38 waist and a size 46 belly, Barry has so far failed to garner any romantic interest from any of the ladies.

    “He’s a really nice guy, but I don’t think of him that way. He’s more like a brother or a really good friend”, said one of the many blond Oompa Loompas the house has on offer. “I feel like I can tell him anything. Yesterday I told him about the big issue with Mark and Jarrod. You see, Mark likes me and I like Mark, but I also like Jarrod, but Jarrod really likes Ashley. He’s just such a good listener.”

    Despite having quickly entered the dreaded “friend zone” with every woman in the villa, Barry remains hopeful in finding love. “I think if I just listen to enough of their problems, they will start to see me in a different way. One girl in particular I think really likes me. She’s always telling me about the raw animalistic sex she’s having with “Big Pete”, who then always ends up cheating on her after. She wouldn’t cry so much on my shoulder if she didn’t really like me. The fact she says we are just good friends and nothing will ever happen between is just her way of saying I love you. That’s why I’ve decided to play the long game.”

    When we asked Barry’s Mum her thoughts, she had this to say. “He’s such a lovely sensitive boy, with a big heart and a seemingly endless supply of cans and ciggies”. He can do a lot better than one of those Love Island skanks. Most of them look like they haven’t washed in weeks. I don’t want him shacking up with one of them or his willy might fall off. It’s happened before you know. Women want a man to listen to their feelings and make them a nice bowl of soup when they are feeling down. What have any of those bronzed, sculpted men got that my Barry doesn’t. So, what if he’s shaped like a bag of mashed potato or still lives at home with his mummy. There’s a woman out there that will accept him for who he is.”

    If there is in fact a woman out there who’s into cheap lager, second hand smoke and watching re runs of Knight Rider on VHS, she’s definitely not in the Love Island house.

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    Posted 9 months ago.

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