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    Danny And Bang Bang ( Part 2: Breakfast Time )


    Bang-Bang and Danny sit either side of the kitchen table. A boiled egg and toast in front of Bang-Bang, A cup of tea in front of Danny. Both men stare at Bang-Bang’s egg. Bang-Bang begins to crack the egg. Both men turn their faces away, as if bracing for explosion. The top comes off. Nothing happens.

    BANG-BANG
    You know. I’m starting to think that exploding egg was a once off.

    DANNY
    You’re probably right. But it’ll be the very day you drop your guard and boom. Egg on your face.

    BANG-BANG
    Is that where the expression comes from?

    DANNY
    What expression?

    BANG-BANG
    Doesn’t matter. You know I’ve heard it’s becoming more and more common these days, the old exploding egg.

    DANNY
    Is that so!

    BANG-BANG
    You know Misses MacGoogle had one a couple of weeks back.

    DANNY
    Is she the one that has that weird stamp fetish? Married to Postman Jack?

    BANG-BANG
    No that’s Missus MacGargle. Missus MacGoogle never married. She keeps chickens instead. Kind of looks a bit bewildered all the time. Like she’s just been slapped on the arse and can’t figure out who did it.

    DANNY
    Ah yes.

    BANG-BANG
    Well I met her on the street last Thursday and she told me that she had an egg explode on her that very morning. Left a terrible mess it did.

    DANNY
    Jaysus that’s terrible. Poor Missus MacGoogle. Is she alright?

    BANG-BANG
    Oh she’s alright. But the poor chicken sitting on the egg’s not doing too well.

    DANNY
    No?

    BANG-BANG
    Arse like the Japanese flag apparently.

    DANNY (begins to laugh)
    Will ya stop.

    BANG-BANG
    I’m serious. Every time it lays an egg, it crows so loud she no longer needs the cockerel.

    DANNY
    You’re joking.

    BANG-BANG
    I’m not. (Pause) You want some?

    DANNY
    God no. Not after that story.

    (Bang-Bang begins to tuck into his egg. He reaches over with his knife to grab some butter. Danny is about to remind him of what the cat did it to it but stops himself. Bang-Bang works the toast over with his knife and gives it a big bite, chews for a bit and spits it out)

    BANG-BANG
    Ah for feck sake.

    DANNY
    Told you.

    BANG-BANG
    I’ll kill that bloody cat!

    (He picks up the butter and toast and hurls them into the bin.)

    BANG-BANG
    Make some more toast, there’s a good lad.

    DANNY
    You just threw the last of it in the bin.

    (Bang-Bang stares at the lonely egg feeling sorry for himself.)

    BANG-BANG
    Well I can’t have egg on it’s own. What else have we?

    (Danny makes his way to the fridge and surveys its contents, all the while muttering to himself)

    BANG-BANG
    Well?

    DANNY
    Well what?

    BANG-BANG
    What else have we?

    DANNY
    Oh right, lets see. We have eggs.

    BANG-BANG
    I already have an egg! I want something to go with my egg.

    DANNY
    What about peanut butter?

    BANG-BANG
    You can’t have peanut butter and eggs. (Pause) Can you?

    DANNY
    Do you want to try?

    BANG-BANG
    No, no. It wouldn’t be right. What else have we?

    DANNY
    Some carrots and parsnips left over from the other night.

    BANG-BANG
    Ugh, I’d sooner have the peanut butter. Here let me have a look. (He gets up to check the fridge and looks a while surveying its contents.) Maybe there’s something in the freezer.

    DANNY
    Don’t open that!

    BANG-BANG
    What? Why not?

    DANNY
    Don’t worry about it. Sit down and have your egg. I’ll have a look in the cupboard to see if there’s something else.

    BANG-BANG
    What’s in there?

    DANNY
    Nothing. Forget about it.

    BANG-BANG
    There’s something in that freezer that you don’t want me to see and expect me to forget about it. You know that’s not gonna happen. (Pause) Just tell me.

    DANNY
    No.

    BANG-BANG
    Go on, sure who am I going to tell?

    DANNY
    I said no! Now sit down.

    BANG-BANG
    (Long Pause) Is it a head?

    DANNY
    What! No. Why would I have a head in the freezer?

    BANG-BANG
    To keep it fresh.

    DANNY
    Fresh for what?

    BANG-BANG
    We’ll I don’t know do I. I’m not the one who puts heads in fridges?

    DANNY
    There’s no head in the feckin fridge! Sit down and have your egg.

    BANG-BANG
    Alright, alright.

    (Both slowly return to their chairs looking at each other with suspicion. A long silence ensues and Bang-Bang once again tucks into his egg)

    DANNY
    So, how about that weather?

    BANG-BANG
    Yeah, how about it. Definitely some weather going on --

    (Bang-Bang jumps to his feet and runs to the freezer to open it. Danny jumps up too late. The freezer has been opened.)

    DANNY
    Bastard!

    (Bang-Bang stares into the freezer.)

    DANNY
    Look, it’s not what it looks like.

    BANG-BANG
    Is that?

    DANNY
    Alright it’s exactly what it looks like. But let me explain.

    BANG-BANG
    (Danny pulls out a dirty pair of white underpants) Are these (pause) your underpants?

    DANNY
    Look it’s not like I always do it, it’s just sometimes when...

    BANG-BANG
    When what?

    DANNY
    When I want to feel fresh down there. I’m moving around all day and things get clammy in that (beat) general area. (He waves his hand over his crotch region) You have no idea. It’s this heat wave we’re having. Some days it feels like World War Two going on down there.
    (Danny feeling sorry for himself can’t even look Bang- Bang in the face. Bang-Bang points to the fridge)

    BANG-BANG
    We keep food in there you know.

    DANNY
    I know, I’m sorry.

    BANG-BANG
    That freezer is for chilling my meat and veg. Not yours. (Pause) Are these even washed?

    DANNY
    (Whimpers) No.

    (Danny looks away from Bang-Bang, eyes looking to the ground)

    BANG-BANG
    Jesus! Did you give no thought to my peas?

    DANNY
    I did. I thought long and hard about your peas.

    BANG-BANG
    And my sprouts. Did you give a seconds thought to my sprouts?

    DANNY
    I did. I thought long and hard about your sprouts.

    BANG-BANG
    (Pause) How long has this been going on?

    DANNY
    I don’t know.

    BANG-BANG
    How long?!

    DANNY
    Couple of years maybe.

    BANG-BANG
    Years? You said it was just for the heat wave.

    DANNY
    Yeah. The heat wave a few years ago. I suppose it just kind of became habit after that.

    BANG-BANG
    Incredible. How have I never seen them before. When do you even put them in there?

    DANNY
    I wait till you go to bed. Then pretend to go to the toilet and put them in. Then get up in the morning before you wake and take them out.

    BANG-BANG
    So all these years you have been pretending to go to the loo.

    DANNY
    Well no. Sometimes I actually go.

    BANG-BANG
    And all just so you can have a chilly willy? (Pause). I don’t know what’s worse. The frozen underwear or the fact you have been lying to me all this time.

    DANNY
    I promise that’s it. No more. I’ll go clean. Cold turkey!

    BANG-BANG
    Oh no. There will be no more cold turkey for you young man. You will have a hot sweaty turkey just like the rest of us.

    PART 3:
    www.mehoop.com/microposts/43

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    Posted 8 months ago.



    Post views: 291
  • Comments

    1. Big Daddy Kane

      Is this planned to be tv show or play or something? The dialogue back and fourth is fairly natural anyway? Japanese flag bit made me laugh.


      Posted 8 months ago


    1. The Brother Grim

      This is just an extract from a play I'm writing and hoping to get performed one day.


      Posted 8 months ago