What Does The Rapper Who Has It All Wear At The Award Ceremony?
The Rapper’s New Bling
There have been many arrogant and disagreeable figures in history. From Napoleon, to Genghis Khan, from Joseph Stalin to Piers Morgan, the human race has certainly produced its fair share of unpleasant people. However, few can have reached the levels of self-obsession and arrogance achieved by the famous rapper and all-round egotist, Jaden Kale.
Not that Jaden would ever use such a nondescript term as “rapper” to describe himself. He normally said that he was a “creative hip hop artiste of world renown”. As far as Kale was concerned, he was the greatest cultural icon of the modern age - the Socrates of social media, the poet of the Instagram generation. He firmly believed that the likes Shakespeare and Beethoven were lucky to be mentioned in the same breath as him and his monumental talent.
In fairness to him, he had been given plenty of encouragement in this regard. His albums sold in the millions, and he had enough social media followers to populate a small country. Such devotion was only to be expected from his young following, but in recent years, a number of people who really should know better had jumped on the JK bandwagon.
The Guardian ran a review of his new album, Yo! Check Out My Ferrari, which compared the lyrics with Wordsworth and TS Elliott. The critic especially praised Kale’s “subtle interplay of profound and insightful imagery,” on the track, I’ll Do You in the Parking Lot. Meanwhile, the New York Times suggested that he was a modern Byron, Gandhi and, (bizarrely) Greta Garbo.
One summer morning, Jaden was relaxing naked in his indoor swimming pool. The pool formed part of a house so tasteless that even a Premier League footballer would baulk at buying it. The room commanded a spectacular view of the Hollywood sign, and the house had previously belonged to a porn star. He attempted to look profound and thoughtful as his wife walked in.
Trixie Pentecost was a glamour model, actress, and reality TV star. Her marriage to Kale
was a source of endless fascination for the gossip columnists. That morning, her famous
husband was in an especially good mood as he had just received an award nomination.
“No more than you deserve,” Trixie said breathlessly, silicon breasts heaving impressively
in her tight red dress.
“Of course, it is my darling, I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize at least, but this’ll do.”
Trixie privately wondered what he had ever done for world peace. After all, most of the
things he said wound people up, but she knew better than to argue when he was in
this kind of mood.
“Of course, I’ll need some new clothes. I think I’ll head over to London for a Savile
Row suit, and naturally I’ll need some new jewellery.”
He stepped out of the pool, ignoring the towel Trixie offered him, and proceeded to pace naked around the room. He was especially pleased that the Mexican maid had just wondered in, and he waved his groin at her in greeting.
“Oh yes, of course you’ll need to hit the jewellers, honey,” Trixie agreed.
Jaden had a collection of gold that would have put King Midas to shame, but apparently, he still needed more. Enough was never enough for Jaden Kale.
A week or so later, he was admiring himself in the mirror of a Savile Row tailor. The suit he wore cost several thousand pounds and he was feeling very dapper indeed.
“Top-hole and splendid, George old chap,” he said, affecting an upper crust English accent.
The tailor smiled warmly at Kale as he considered what an idiot he was.
“I just need to get some new jewellery and the outfit will be complete”.
George wanted to tell this talentless fool that the outfit already was complete, but his smile was wider than ever as the rapper produced his platinum credit card.
Jewellery was the next item on Jaden’s list.
A few miles away, Tony Mealand was thinking. He was one of the most respected designers on the planet, and his clothes were worn by celebs and beautiful people the world over. He was said to be someone who really understood the importance of style.
The truth was rather different. Towards the end of his third year as a student he had come to a startling conclusion - he just didn’t care about fashion.
“I’m serious, babe,” he said, stroking his girlfriend’s hair. “What’s the point of it all? Hem lines are up or down, ties are thin or thick. What does it matter? I’m going to jack the whole thing in.”
She was horrified: “Well, at least finish your course. Then you can do what you like once you’ve got your degree.”
Tony decided to do just that. As part of his finals he was required to put on a catwalk show. He decided to go out in style, with a joke performance.
Some of the models would be parading around in high visibility jackets with high heels, others would wear huge nappies with leather biker jackets, and flashing blue lights on their heads. It would be a laugh if nothing else.
He hadn’t accounted for the reaction of the critics. They loved the show and praised him for his “bold and innovative designs”. It was said that the future of British fashion was in great hands. Tony thought that the whole thing was hilarious, and couldn’t believe his luck when the rich and famous from around the world begged him to design for them.
Tony was in his mid-twenties and had a bank balance so huge it was laughable. He smiled
at the thought of his next project, running stubby fingers through his curly brown hair.
He had been approached by the rapper, Jaden Kale, to design some jewellery to be worn at
the Grammys. Kale said that he wanted to make the biggest statement in history. Tony
He was going to make a statement alright.
When the rapper arrived at the studio, Tony stood up and they shook hands warmly.
Jaden had never met the designer before, although he had seen him on TV, and like everyone else he noted his scruffy appearance. Tony usually wore cheap supermarket clothes, and today was no exception. He greeted his guest sporting a scruffy tee shirt featuring Tweety and Sylvester. Many people believed that he was making an ironic statement about the fashion industry. In fact, he thought that there were more important things than clothes, and he tended to put on the first thing he found in the morning.
Jaden was enthusiastic. “Tony, if I can call you Tony. I am honoured to meet you. This is an
important international summit, you know? We are world leaders in our respective fields. We
create, you see and that is what ordinary common people don’t understand. People like us,
we have a special responsibility to the world.”
“Prat!” muttered Tony under his breath.
“So, what do you have for me?” asked Jaden.
This was the big moment. Would he fall for it? Tony produced a smart leather case and
opened it up in front of the rapper. Inside were a chain and a bracelet made of extremely
cheap, brightly coloured plastic. Jaden looked puzzled.
“You see, Jaden. This is a special new type of gold that I’ve been working on. Anyone can wear traditional gold. This is a unique form of gold made to look like plastic. I am certain that an artiste of your stature can appreciate the significance of this. Surely you understand the
statement we’re making here?”
Jaden didn’t see the significance at all, but he played along; he didn’t want to look stupid.
He thought of how great he would look, and of how jealous everyone else would be. He
gladly paid the asking price and told the designer to be sure to watch him at the ceremony.
Tony assured him that he wouldn’t miss it for the world.
The fateful day arrived. Kale sat in his limo waiting for the signal to get out. He hadn’t allowed anyone to see his outfit, not even Trixie or her nine-year-old son, Vegas. As he stepped out onto the red carpet, there were a few bemused stares before the cheering started. Was he really wearing a smart suit with a ridiculous plastic chain and bracelet? He was surrounded by his entourage who all assured him how great he looked. “Special gold you say? Wonderful”.
A reporter from NBC rhapsodised about the boldness of the statement Kale was making. It was apparently both profound and postmodern. Jaden walked towards Trixie and Vegas, a huge and arrogant grin on his face.
“You’re wearing a stupid plastic chain,” shouted Vegas.
The spell broke. There were a few titters in the crowd which gradually got louder. Soon, even the NBC reporter was wiping tears from his eyes. Jaden had never felt more of a fool, and worst of all, the world’s media were all there to see it.
Tony Mealand watched the whole thing on TV. He was sitting in his pyjamas and
eating a bag of pork scratchings. “Mission accomplished,” he said.
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