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    Danny And Bang Bang (Part 3: Pajo Comes Round For Tea )


    The front door knocks, Bang-Bang heads to the mirror and starts fixing his hair and straightening his clothes.

    DANNY
    Why are you getting yourself all proper just to open the door? Sure it’s probably just Pajo.

    BANG-BANG
    Might be Annie.

    DANNY
    You’re a fool for that woman. I’m telling you. She has no interest.

    (Door knocks again. Bang-Bang opens. It’s Pajo.)

    BANG-BANG
    Oh, t’is you.

    PAJO
    Yes it’s me. Why does everyone always look so disappointed when they open a door to me. Like I’m the last person they want to see.

    BANG-BANG
    Sorry Pajo, it’s just I was expecting someone else.

    PAJO
    Oh, it’s Annie you were expecting I’d say? Her husband only dead a day and you already trying to get a look at her lady parts.

    BANG-BANG
    It’s been at least a month.

    PAJO
    Has it?

    BANG-BANG
    A month minimum.

    PAJO
    Sure that’s alright then. Listen, I just came round to see if you were heading to the monopoly tournament in O’Sheas tonight.

    BANG-BANG
    God no, sounds like a terrible boring night to me. Who’s idea was it to have monopoly in a pub anyway?

    PAJO
    Mine. Come on, it’s great fun. Always ends with someone flipping the board.

    BANG-BANG
    Well it’s of no interest to me.

    PAJO
    Alright. Just thought I’d ask.

    BANG-BANG
    Come in if you want. I was about to put the tea on.

    PAJO
    Will there be cake or biscuits to accompany this tea?

    BANG-BANG
    I don’t know if I have any. I’ll take a look in the cupboards. I think I saw a “Jaffa cake” in there once.

    PAJO
    Don’t you worry yourself. I brought me own.

    (Pajo produces a packet of custard creams from his pocket.)

    BANG-BANG
    Custard creams! Have you nothing else?

    PAJO
    Hold on till I ask the shopkeeper I keep in my pocket. (Pajo starts talking into his pocket)

    PAJO
    Excuse me shop keep. I was wondering perchance you have a fancier biscuit for my discerning friend Bang-Bang here?

    DANNY
    Ask him if he has any fig rolls.

    BANG-BANG
    Alright alright, I was only asking.
    (Bang-Bang makes his way over to the kettle and begins to make tea. Danny follows him over.)

    DANNY
    (Whispering) Custard creams. Could he have brought a worse biscuit. I’d almost prefer to have no biscuit than a custard cream. Tell you what would be lovely now. A chocolate digestive. Oh Christ, what I wouldn’t do for a chocolate digestive. Here. What time is it?

    BANG-BANG
    Just gone passed noon.

    DANNY
    I’ll get back to packing, let you two at it. It’s only a matter of time before he starts on about the wife. I can’t listen to it anymore.
    (Danny goes over to the suitcase and starts packing. Bang- Bang brings the teapot and some mugs to the table.)

    PAJO
    Pour it quick there before it gets too strong.
    (Bang-Bang pours out the tea and takes a custard cream from the pack.)

    PAJO
    Oh they’re not so bad now are they? When you have no other option.

    BANG-BANG
    Stop will you.

    PAJO
    I tell you Bang-Bang, never get married. I’m getting fierce fed up of that women.

    DANNY
    Told you!

    PAJO
    How is she anyway?

    DANNY
    Still a cow.

    PAJO
    Ah Pajo that’s no way to talk about your wife.

    PAJO
    Well it’s true. (Pause) Ah I don’t say it to her face.

    BANG-BANG
    You never have a kind word to say about her.

    PAJO
    Well she never has a kind word for me. And she doesn’t have any problem saying it to my face. She never stops on to me. ‘Pajo wash the dishes.’, ‘Pajo wash the windows.’, ‘Pajo wash yourself’.

    BANG-BANG
    How long are you married now?

    PAJO
    Three weeks.

    BANG-BANG
    It was a great wedding though.

    PAJO
    Ah it was. Great spread put on. Chicken vol-au-vents as far as the eye could see.

    BANG-BANG
    Must have cost you a fortune.

    PAJO
    Didn’t cost me a penny. She paid for the whole thing with the insurance money from her husbands death.

    BANG-BANG
    I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. Did you not think--

    PAJO
    Before you say it. It was an accident.

    BANG-BANG
    I didn’t say it wasn’t. I was just going to ask--

    PAJO
    I know what you’re going to ask. You were going to ask me if I think she killed him.
    (Bang-Bang waits for him to answer his own question)
    Of course she didn’t. You hardly think I’m going to jump into bed with someone who’s just killed their own husband?

    BANG-BANG
    You’ve jumped into bed with far worse.

    PAJO
    Yes but none of them were murderers.(Beat) Well at least I don’t think they were.

    BANG-BANG
    You have to admit though. The evidence was pretty strong.

    PAJO
    What evidence?

    BANG-BANG
    Well the evidence that Sister Mary Margaret Murphy saw her running after him with an axe screaming “Die bastard, die.”

    PAJO
    Ah you don’t believe what Sister Mary Margaret Murphy says do you? Sure them nuns are always telling lies. And anyway, Sister Mary Margaret Murphy never saw her actually do it. Could have been anyone. Sure half the town wanted him dead. For all we know. It could very well have been Sister Mary Margaret Murphy herself that did it and she’s just covering it up .

    BANG-BANG
    True. He wasn’t a very nice man. But it’s no reason to chop his willy off and throw in it in the river. That was going a bit far alright.

    BANG-BANG
    Well I hope your willy can swim, cause yours will be going in after it if you’re not careful.
    (Pajo crosses his legs and cringes)

    PAJO
    Well it wasn’t her that did it, so that’s enough of it now. I’ll hear no more slander about my lovely new wife.

    BANG-BANG
    Oh lovely is she now? It was only moments ago she was a cow.

    PAJO
    Sure, can’t a man change his mind.

    BANG-BANG
    Well it’s you who has to sleep beside her, not me. (Pause) Speaking of which, how’s the auld, you know what?

    PAJO
    What?

    BANG-BANG
    You know?

    PAJO
    No. What do I know?

    BANG-BANG
    The auld, horizontal mambo.

    PAJO
    Oh right. (Pause) No she can’t dance. Has two left feet on her.

    BANG-BANG
    No. I mean. The old inter cert.

    PAJO
    You mean the sex?

    BANG-BANG
    Jesus Pajo keep your voice down, someone might hear you.

    PAJO
    Well you asked.

    BANG-BANG
    But I was trying to be nice about it. (Pause) So. Anyway. You were saying?

    PAJO
    Out of this world.

    BANG-BANG
    Go way.

    PAJO
    Honest to God. I didn’t even know half of the positions were possible. I’m pretty sure some of them are even illegal.

    BANG-BANG
    Jaysus.

    PAJO
    Sometimes, we even use toys.

    BANG-BANG
    Toys? What? Like buckaroo?

    PAJO
    No. Not those sort of toys.

    BANG-BANG
    Oh, board games?

    PAJO
    No. Ya know, like ropes, whips, stuff that vibrates.

    BANG-BANG
    I don’t know Pajo. That’s sounds an awful lot like Buckaroo to me.

    PAJO
    No, look. She gets the ropes and ties me to the bed.

    BANG-BANG
    Why? Were you trying to get away or something?

    PAJO
    No, I’m tied to the bed and she gets on top of me. In the nude.

    BANG-BANG
    Jaysus, I don’t blame you for trying to escape so.

    PAJO
    Ah no. It’s kind of nice really.

    BANG-BANG
    Sounds like the start of a horror movie to me.

    PAJO
    Well, you asked.

    BANG-BANG
    Well I wish I bloody well hadn’t now. You’ve gone and put me right off me tea.

    PART 4:
    www.mehoop.com/microposts/85

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    Posted 8 months ago.



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