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    Lord Of The Rings Samwise Gamgee Says Sorry For Crying All The Way Mordor


    We all have that friend, the one who’s not really up for the road trip but insists on coming along anyway. The one who moans all the way and keeps asking are we there yet. The one who opens a bag of teriyaki flavored beef jerky and stinks out the car.

    Frodo Baggins has such a friend and his name is SamWise Gamgee. Not only did nobody ask Samwise to come along but he insisted on crying for the entire journey. Through three movies, we watched as Samwise cried, bitched and moaned at every conceivable moment. And now finally, many years after the final movie, Samwise Gamgee has decided to apologize to the world for his incessant blubbing.

    SAMWISE:
    I don’t know what I was thinking leaving the lovely cozy shire. If I had known there would be orcs or giant spiders, I wouldn’t have set foot out the front door, but that Gandalf fellow made it sound like we were popping down to the shops for a loaf of bread. I think he knew bloody well how dangerous it would be but he never said a word. It’s a cruel man that would lie to little people like that. He’s nothing more than a con man. The lanky bearded twat.

    I swore I’d help my friend carry a small golden ring to a fiery mountain thousands of miles away. It sounds ridiculous really when I say it out loud. It was only a small ring. He could have easily managed it on his own. But once those two nonce nuggets Pippin and Merry tagged along, I knew I couldn’t pull out or they would laugh at me.

    The moment I got outside the shire the waterworks just opened up. I don’t know what happened to me. I just couldn’t stop crying. The slightest bit of hardship and water would come streaming down my face. The day I caught sight of all those orcs, I shit myself. And I mean that literally. Then I started crying because I’d shit myself. I became a shitting, moaning, blubbering mess of a hobbit.

    The entire way there I just kept thinking to myself, ‘What in am I doing here?’ I should be home having a wank over the latest edition of Hobbit Secrets magazine. And then that little bollocks Gollum shows up and turns Frodo against me. I of course cried all the way back down the mountain until I saw the bread on the ground and realized what Gollum had done.

    I get back up and there’s Frodo getting wrapped up by this huge spider. I’m a complete mess at this stage, I haven’t slept in weeks, there's a horrible little green man trying to kill me every chance he gets and I've been eating lembas bread for a month.

    I have to go rescue him from the orc castle and after months of me pissing and moaning, we finally get to the mountain. The thing was huge. I want to have a little cry about it, but I was too dehydrated at that stage. We get inside and all we need to do is throw the ring in and we are done, but the prick won't do it. Months we’ve been travelling to throw this fucking thing lava and he has a change of heart. I was going to just push him in myself, but that green turd burger Gollum jumps him first. The silly bollocks fell in, ring in hand.

    I’m thinking, hey ho. Job done, let’s get out of here. Then the mountain starts to collapse. We are sitting on a ledge thinking we’re done for when these huge big birds show up with Gandalf on their back. They pick us up and off we go. And all I keep thinking is, why the fuck didn’t he just let us ride one of them all the way to Mordor.

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    Posted 8 months ago.



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  • Comments

    1. W.D. Rowan

      Lol, he does cry a ridiculous amount during those movie.


      Posted 8 months ago


    1. Jack Gruber

      Brilliant. It always drove me mad that the birds arrived at the end. Why didn't they just bloody well carry them there in the first place.


      Posted 8 months ago


    1. mdoll

      After all the tears, Sam still survived. Now that’s the biggest shock!


      Posted 8 months ago


    1. B. Robertson

      Nicely introduced and rewardingly described, especially, if like me, the reader has not seen the movie. You managed to put me enough there to feel the frustration of the cringing Samwise. A fun read—thank you.


      Posted 7 months ago