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    Stuck On Repeat ( Part 2: We Meet Big Tom: No Not That One)


    INT. LARS KITCHEN - DAY

    (We see Lars Van Der Pump standing at his stove making breakfast, blonde beard and hair, pipe in mouth. He turns to the camera and smiles.)

    LARS
    Oh hi, I didn’t see you there. My name is Lars Van Der Pump. Documentary maker, Film Maker, Donkey breeder. Hey, have you ever heard of an 80’s boy band called “Four More”? Of course you have! Who hasn’t? You may know that in 1986, they released what is widely considered to be one the greatest albums of all time. Number one in over 32 countries, going 8 times platinum. You may also know that they broke up only a year later never to finish their eagerly awaited second album. But what you probably don’t know is, what happened? Where did it all go wrong? And where are they now?

    INT. BIG TOMS OFFICE - DAY

    (We see a picture of a young man, Big Tom, well groomed, white suit, pink shirt open, 2 cigars in one hand and a chalice in the other. We then see modern day Big Tom wearing the exact same clothes, which are now tattered and dirty. His hairline receding and unshaven, he sits facing the camera. Can of beer in one hand, cigarette in the other.)

    LARS
    So Tom, can I call you Tom?

    BIG TOM
    Please, my mother calls me Tom. Call me Big Tom.

    LARS
    Tom, sorry, Big Tom. At one time you were manager to the hottest boy band on the planet. What have you been up to since then.

    BIG TOM
    Well first off I'd just like to say I'm doing great. Really great. I feel like I’ve grown hugely as a person since then. But not just as a person, as a human being as well. It was only after I quit that I realized just how much they were holding me back.

    LARS
    Didn't they fire you?

    BIG TOM
    Well, yes, yes and no. It was a very confusing time for the band and me. No one is really sure who quit and who fired who. But fired is such a multifaceted word. Who really knows what it means? I’m not sure anyone does.

    LARS
    Well it means they sacked you, let you go, gave you the boot.

    BIG TOM Yes well, you’re here to talk about me. Not just the band.

    LARS
    Yes, yes of course. So what-

    BIG TOM (INTERRUPTS) It’s all water under the bridge. I don’t even think about it anymore. What concerns me these days is my talent agency and my talent.

    LARS
    I see, so what type of talent do you hire out? Actors, Musicians-

    BIG TOM
    Clowns, (pause)yep, clowns mostly. I rent them out to kids parties. Sometimes you get ex wives whose husbands have a fear of them. They just want to stand on the lawn staring in the window at their ex husbands. They pay well. I also do the odd midget here and there. Probably one running around here somewhere. Had a bearded lady for a while. Thought I could get her some shaving cream commercials, but that didn’t really pan out. Her hair didn't really grow back as quick as I thought it would. She could only do one advert a year.

    LARS
    Correct me if I’m wrong, but I understand you once hired nuns out.

    BIG TOM
    Oh yes, big business in nun rental. It would take three clowns to bring in the kind of money one nun could make.

    LARS
    But they weren’t (pause) real nuns?

    BIG TOM
    But of course they were. I insist on authenticity. Kids can spot a fake nun from a mile away. It’s all in the eyes.

    LARS
    Kids?

    BIG TOM
    School teachers would come by and hire them out for a few hours.

    LARS
    The kids?

    BIG TOM
    No, the nuns. Nothing, absolutely nothing puts the shits into a troublesome child like a crazed wart covered nun, waving a ruler in
    their face Word got around of how effective they were at scaring disobedient school kids, and suddenly I had teachers from all over coming to hire them. Then one of them complained to the nun’s union. Claimed I wasn't paying them fairly.

    LARS
    Were you?

    BIG TOM
    They’re nuns, what do they need money for? The labour board came in and shut the whole thing down. Bloody sister Francis. I never should have trusted her. But who would have thought that nuns were unionised.

    LARS
    Yes, indeed. And what of your current staff? Your clowns? How are they treated?

    BIG TOM
    Oh, like my own children. If there’s one thing I pride myself in, it’s taking good care of my employees.

    CUT TO:
    INT. OFFICE KITCHEN - DAY

    (We see Big Tom standing over a clown who’s cowering in the corner. He’s threatening him with a rolled up newspaper taking the odd swipe at the clown as he shouts. The clown’s nose makes a squeaking sound every time he hits him.)

    BIG TOM
    I won’t tell you again! You give out one balloon animal per birthday party! One balloon! Do you think I’m made of fucking balloons Jeffery? Do you?

    JEFFERY THE CLOWN
    No Tom, I know the rules. I just thought since they were twins I could give them one each.

    BIG TOM
    Twins? Oh well in that case. (Beat) They can bloody well share the balloon can’t they?

    JEFFERY THE CLOWN
    Yes Big Tom, of course. You're right. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.

    CUT BACK:
    INT. BIG TOMS OFFICE - DAY
    Big Tom has a big smile, relishing the thought.

    BIG TOM
    Sometimes, discipline is necessary.

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    Posted 8 months ago.



    Post views: 236
  • Comments

    1. Jack Gruber

      Last bit with the clown was very funny. You could have his flower shooting water in the panic.


      Posted 8 months ago


    1. B. Robertson

      A plausible sitcom idea, me thinks it is—Big Tom and his agency have real comic potential and I’m sure provide you with a rich mine of ideas. I agree with Jack, who doesn’t laugh when a clown gets thumped. Big Tom could invent a “Thump a Clown Day” to cheer the country up during these days of austerity and Brexit. Big Tom could extend to Look-a-likes also. A look-a-like president Trump dressed as a clown!— which doesn’t take much imagination!
      B.


      Posted 7 months ago


    1. Señor Spielbergo

      I really like that idea of the look a likes. Cheers B. Robertson.


      Posted 7 months ago