• Me Hoop. Post Anything. About Anything. Blatantly Offensive Material Will Not Be Tolerated


    Morituri


    EXT. ORCHARD - DAY

    FADE IN:
    A tree stands in the middle of an apple orchard. Across from it, steadfast and grim, JOE is regarding the tree with
    something that might be approaching defiance.
    It is a one sided stand-off.

    JOE

    Yeah, this is the spot. I mean, this is... my spot.

    His friend and confidante, BRANDON, steps forward nonchalantly and regards the tree - a hobbyist examining an
    antique.

    BRANDON

    Chipper spot for a grave, isn't it?

    JOE

    What? Fuck you. I'm not exactly
    looking for a review, here.

    BRANDON

    I was just saying.

    The two walk over to the base of the tree. Joe slowly lowers himself to the ground, struggling to seat himself. While
    uncomfortable watching him, Brandon doesn't move to help him.
    Brandon joins him.

    BRANDON (CONT'D)

    So. I'm sure there's a story here.

    JOE

    Yeah, a fucking depressing one.

    BRANDON

    Oh. Makes the choice of scenery an interesting one.

    JOE

    What? Oh, you mean the- why here. Right. About that. Want to know my storied history with this place?

    Brandon shrugs.

    JOE (CONT'D)

    I first set eyes on this spot, must be... Last Tuesday. And it reminded me of a postcard I bought in Perros-Guirec when I was a kid. That's it.

    BRANDON

    Oh.

    They are momentarily silent.

    BRANDON (CONT'D)

    Well, that's a shit reason.

    JOE
    (Laughing)
    It is a shit reason! And you know, it's been nagging me since then that I don't have a better one. I want to be
    able to say this is, like, where I had my first kiss, or something?

    BRANDON

    If you wanted to be buried where you had your first kiss, I'd say you were a bit of a weirdo.

    JOE

    Yeah, very fucking funny. It's just... It's nice here. Better than a graveyard. Couldn't stand a graveyard.

    BRANDON

    Amen.

    JOE

    Great big field full of names no one gives a shit about. And sad old people. What a shit buzz to decompose
    to.

    BRANDON

    You're looking for a party atmosphere
    for your final resting place.

    JOE
    (Emphatic)
    Amen.

    BRANDON

    Guess this is as good as any other spot.

    JOE

    Like - God, do you remember how shit my dads funeral was?

    BRANDON

    Not a party atmosphere.

    JOE

    Not exactly. And I just knew how much he would hate the place. Can't stand the idea of getting stuck somewhere
    that, I don't know, that hopeless.

    BRANDON

    Somehow, I doubt you'd mind once you were there, though.

    Joe mulls over this for a moment, then struggles to his feet.
    Brandon waits for him, then follows.

    BRANDON (CONT'D)
    (Awkwardly)
    Hey, um... I was reading up on your thing. The page mentioned loss of, you know, motor function. Have to say,
    spending all day in bed? Sounds like a laugh, if I'm being honest. You'll have a chance to catch up on your Netflix shows.

    JOE
    (Calm)
    Yeah, I'm not going to let it get that
    far.

    BRANDON

    Oh. Pills?

    JOE

    Grandads shotgun. Mum figured he was in the RA, but he was just a mad fucker.

    They begin to walk away.

    BRANDON

    Nice. Very theatrical. Just don't Cobain it, your mum wants an open casket.

    Joe puts a cigarette in his mouth, but struggles with his lighter. Deliberately casual, Brandon takes his own lighter
    out and lights the a cigarette, barely looking at Joe.
    They leave.

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    Posted 7 months ago.



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  • Comments

    1. JScay

      The formatting got a bit banjaxed, but I can't find a way to edit it, so sorry if it makes it a bit awkward to read.


      Posted 7 months ago


    1. Jack Gruber

      I’d change “What? Fuck you. I'm not exactly
      looking for a review, here.” to simply “I’m not looking for a review”.

      “Oh. Makes the choice of scenery an interesting one.” I’m struggling to make sense of that sentence.

      Brandon says “oh” an awful lot. I’d get rid of all of them. I don’t think people actually say “oh” that often.

      Other than those points I like it a lot. Little sad at the end but nicely ended with the lighter bit.


      Posted 7 months ago


    1. Boris Johnson

      I’d agree with the above. Take out all the “so”s. The line where he agrees it is shit reason could do some love. Give that line another try. It makes sense and I like that he has no good reason, but it can be written better. Say it out loud i always finds helps.


      Posted 7 months ago


    1. North_Ontario

      the dialogue could use a little trimming, less words like "oh" but other than that I'd say you have a great story in the works


      Posted 7 months ago