Stuck On Repeat ( Part 4: Lance And Zach )
INT. LARS STUDIO - DAY
Lars sitting facing the computer swings around to face the camera.
Corey was easy to find, but the others took a little more ingenuity on my part. Lance for one, never really let go of his days in “Four More”. Desperately seeking the fame he once held, he sunk all his money into a solo album entitled “Lady Lover Ladies”. One of it’s songs was later used as the theme song for the female postal worker’s union. Soon after, he was bitten by the acting bug. You may have seen him in Love Boat. He played towel boy number
(A screen shot from love boat appears showing him circled in the back round, barely visible and slightly blurred.)
His biggest role came in 1991 when he starred in the short lived sitcom, “Ferris Bueller Goes to Space”. He played “Squeaky Beeky” the under lubricated android. It only lasted for only 6 episodes, but garnered Lance a cult Sci-fi following.
INT. CONVENTION CENTRE - DAY
(Sitting at a table covered in silver paint is Lance. On the table is memorabilia and photos of him ready to be signed for fans. Sitting beside him in a suit is his agent Kevin. He smiles wide-eyed in expectation, anytime Lance looks at him. In front of the table hangs a poster exclaiming “Meet Lance, Star of Ferris Bueller Goes to Space”. In smaller writing below this it states “He sang a bit”.
Yes, I’m am actor, singer, all round entertainer really. Phone never stops ringing.
But you don’t own a phone.
Well your phone never stops ringing.
It never rings. I have it turned off. I like to save the battery.
But what if people are calling about possible work?
I wouldn’t worry about that. No one ever calls.
How do you know if you never have the phone on?
(Long pause) Ah, I see what you're getting at. I should have my phone on shouldn't I?
Yes. Incase someone -
-someone calls. Okay, I'll go get it from the car.
Lance stares amazed, seemingly unable to fathom Kevin’s stupidity. An obese fan in an under sized “Seek Ham and eat on” T-shirt walks slowly towards him. Lance looks into the camera then turns back to the on coming fan and smiles in expectation.
Oh look, here comes a fan. I better get the good pen ready, he might want a few autographs. I wouldn’t want my hand cramping up.
FAN (OUT OF BREATH) Hey, sorry to disturb you, but do you know where the toilet is? That hot dog I had earlier went right through me.
(Lance points over towards the toilet. Sitting in front of which is Brent Spiner, happily signing autographs for fans.)
It’s over there. Behind Brent Spiner.
Oh my god, Brent Spiner is here?!
(The fan runs excitedly toward Brent Spiner at top speed. Arms flailing like a schoolgirl. As he closes in, he tries to slow down but is unable to stop. He plows straight through the table and lands on top of Brent. Security tries their best to free Brent from his blubbery tomb while Lance watches the carnage unfold, then turns to the camera.
That’s the third time today.
INT. LARS STUDIO - DAY
Lars once again spins around in his chair, this time the other way. He is holding a coffee cup full to the top. As he spins, half of the cup spills on him. He carries on completely unfazed.
Zach was third on my list and one of the more unfortunate stories of the four band members. He took the break up of the band the hardest. He just couldn’t let go. He had invested so much time and energy into being Zach Black, boy band singer, he didn’t know anything else. Wanting to make a difference in the world, he ran successfully for local government. But his stay in politics was over as soon as it began. He spend the towns entire budget on potpurri for the homeless. Due to acts of eco terrorism, he has been in and out of prison on a regular basis. His recent campaign to save the grey pig faced squirrel ended like all the others. With the extinction of the grey pig faced squirrel.
SCENE INT. PRISON - NIGHT
(We see Zach sit down in an orange T-shirt. He leans forward, his arms in handcuffs and he picks up a telephone. It now becomes obvious he is in prison.)
Yeah I get recognized all the time. Of course I do, I'm Zach Black for crying out loud. You know me, I know me. Everyone knows me. One day I'm out doing some shopping at the local mall, when this bum shouts out my name. I get enough attention as it is. The last thing I need is a shopping mall full of sex crazed teenage girls trying to get a piece of me.
The paper says you paid him to shout your name.
Why would someone as well known and respected as me, pay to have his name shouted out loudly in a public place? It’s absolutely ridiculous!
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - DAY
(We see from a distance, Zach handing over some money to a homeless man. He looks around nervously in the hope that he wont get caught. He walks away then turns back to walk by the homeless man and gestures to him with a nod. The homeless man looks up from counting his money, nods at Zach and shouts loudly.)
Hey look everybody, its Jack Black.
A crowd of people turn and excitedly mutter things like “Where”, “Did you see him”?
Its Zach, Zach Black.
Who’s Zach Black?
I am you idiot!
Hey, who you calling an idiot?
You, you idiot! I want my money back. You said my name wrong and now everyone has run off looking for Jack Black.
What, is Jack Black here? God I loved him in King Kong.
What? Don't be fucking stupid. Nobody loved him in King Kong. Now give me back my money!
(Zach starts trying to wrestle the money out of the homeless man’s hand.)
No, get off! It’s mine!
Give it to me you fucking tramp.
Hey, is that Zach Black trying to rob that poor war hero’s pension money?
(A photo flashes and we see a picture of Zach looking stunned into the camera while still holding onto the homeless man’s arm. A newspaper headline appears “Zach Black robs war hero of pension money“. We zoom out to see a much bigger headline “Jack Black spotted at local shopping mall”)
INT. PRISON - NIGHT
Lars holds up the newspaper to the glass. Zach leans forward and reads it. He leans back looking slightly embarrassed.
First of all, he wasn't a pensioner, he was just weather beaten. There is no way a pensioner could be that strong. And secondly, it was my money.
I thought you said you didn't pay him?
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